Monthly Archives: July 2018

What does it feel like to be fat?

When you are fat, what does it feel like? It mostly feels like you are nothing. Like you are invisible and disposable. People look right through you. They bump into you and don’t apologize. To them, you don’t exist, you don’t matter. Until the moment your fatness affects them, and then you do.
Seated next to me on the airplane? Yes, thank you, I see your constant fidgeting. I know my thigh is pressing against your leg. I am clenching my arms to my sides to try and give you more room, but I know I am invading your space. I saw you glare at me as I sat down and moved the seatbelt to its longest setting. I heard your sigh when I asked to get up and put my bag in the overhead. And guess what? You and all the other passengers saw me struggle to lift the heavy bag, but no one- no one- offered to help me. You dart out of your seat before the seatbelt sign was even off, like you were going to catch my fatness like a disease if you stay one second more next to me.
Watching me walk through the gym? You pretend to be in your bubble on the elliptical with your headphones, but don’t worry I see the disgusted look you shoot my way. I have been going for only ten minutes at a snail’s pace, but am drenched in sweat, it’s dripping all over everything. I get off the machine and wipe it down with the sanitizer. I see you waiting for it and I see you armed with your own paper towels and soap, ready to remove the filth of the fat girl’s sweat. Moving through the weight machines I may as well be a ghost, unless I am taking up valuable real estate at the machine you want. I heard you and your six-packed friends asking why I even bothered. I heard you.
Parked your beach blanket next to mine? I see you look at me and my husband. No we don’t have kids. It’s just us. I didn’t get fat gestating the next generation, I just am. I did this to myself. I picked a run of the mill one- piece; splurging on underwire so my boobs don’t hit my knees. I see you visibly wince as I rub lotion on my skin and walk to the water’s edge. You sit there smoking and throwing your beer cans on the sand, yet you think you are better than me solely based on my appearance. My fatness means I am a lazy, stupid, likely poor and uneducated person. You couldn’t care less, I mean nothing to you. If I told you I am a doctor, you would laugh in my face. It’s incomprehensible to you I am anything other than a fat, worthless woman.

%d bloggers like this: